midterm blues

heya babes....

yeah i'll try to set a good precedent by having a good 20th birthday :) in any case, it wont be the same without my family and without my cheekygirls beside me. as u get older, birthdays become less of a big deal? i can't be the only one to feel that way. haha sometimes i just wanna get this ageing thing over and done with!! like enough already, ive jus entered the big 20s so let me be.

hahaha.. feeling kinda grumpy cos well.. the wk didnt get off to a gd start, i skipped monday lessons (rather impt lessons) cos i was smashed the night before at my friends' place and i hadnt done any hw at all to hand in. i remember rolling abt on the floor laughing cos i was playing stupid games w my friends, one of whom was a little gone too. he was sometimes sober, and sometimes collapsing on the floor or on the bed w hysteria. i think he has xin shi, cos yeah he was saying, if u dun have xin shi why r u drinking before he kinda fell down. quite disturbing seeing that he is normally very level headed.

wow. and i wonder how i will survive the rest of term. nvm better work that much harder and go gym more to detox. it's hard living, babes. sometimes i jus really really wanna go home because it's so familiar and so comforting to have a family to return to. over here, i could easily disappear voluntarily or otherwise, just around a dodgy street corner not far from where i live, or maybe i'll jus take a train to dublin or smth and start a new life there working in the beer refinery. the possibilities are endless, but of no comfort to me. i don't know why im still feeling the blues this late into my first yr! maybe it's the stress of studying (or NOT studying) maybe it's the cold maybe its the bad food maybe it's the rude londoners maybe it's cos i miss the streets and sounds of singapore.. i dont know. but wow. is this what overseas studying is spposed to be like???

新年快乐！or Happy New Year! i resolve to be less whiny and moody from today onwards, and to stop moaning and start doing.
friends here are too obliging and patient, esp a certain mr lai. i need my mom's and brother's thundering "stop being so bloody dramatic and shut up and get rid of your stupid self-pity" response to my meltdowns.
so from now on, you'll get more happy and exclamatory! chim than angsty chim i hope.
inner demons will be battled.
do i uplift you guys or irritate the hell out of you all or what.
jo's stuff has been posted. please tell me if you don't get your stuff from me within two weeks k cos something may have gone wrong. i'm not sure if i put it in the right postbox collection.
it's quite tiring to sound happy i realise, so goodbye for now. i'm drained by this post, hah.
新年快乐！

stresssssss

ARGH
i feel so antsy these days, like i'm in this perpetual mad rush to do all the school and planning work that's rained down on me in the first weeks of school. too much worrying! especially regarding the family; learnt recently that the old troubles may be back soon, and i've this urgent need to run back and be head-of-the-familyish as always, and get stressed out and all angsty along with my mom. damn you damn you and also you for making me worry all the time all these years, for screwing us up (but thanks for making babe and i grow up much earlier than we should have, cos that's maturity i guess), for being less than i thought you two should have been and so making me doubt myself always. now i need to grow up even more, because we're turning 20 bleahhh, especially soon for you jo! may we not go mad in our swinging twenties. anyway, despite all the work, my first letter has been mailed, to shup, with a little bit of peru inside, the rest should follow suit soon =) the less time you have the less you waste heh heh so i'm more productive already.
fuzzy, got your email, thanks for the info. nepal/cambodia, here we come! my god, we're going to be so messed up. we're the worst travellers the world has seen i think. can't wait.
eh jo, you must set a precedent with your happening 20th birthday celebration.
finally, here's a silent farewell to the souls that drew mine out and danced with it in a mad swirl for too brief a time for the spirit not to be muted now. sorry if this makes sense to me only.

winter break part one final stretch

the highlight of the trip, a 4 day hike to machu picchu, ancient capital of the incas. i basically coughed my way up and down the mountains and at night sleeping in the tents. it was a luxurious hike in that we didn't have to carry tents and prepare our own food, but a first expedition for me! no regrets, even though at times i felt like giving up and being a wimp, i didn't realise how weak i could feel. but the group was super encouraging, and the guys raided my backpack to spread my weight amongst them. i'm glad i finished it, but next time i'll control myself better and not show any weakness at all if possible.

exciting start to the trail! our footsteps marched in tune with the thundering Urubamba river just next to us as we hiked among the mountains on the first day.

one of the many archaeological sites we saw along the hike.
hovering on the edge of a mountain always, surrounded by these majesties, it was hard to indulge in self-pity as we climbed thousands of feet up and down.
smiling grew harder and harder though, as we became more and more exhausted.but we arrived at our destination, Machu Picchu, city among the clouds. walking in the city you cannot imagine how hundreds of years ago the incas could have walked the steps you're walking now. they were brave i think to venture so high up and far away to carve out such a magnificent home for themselves.

ok that's it for winter break. now for school.

winter break part one continued

the previous post was all about lima, capital of peru now (i think). this one's about cusco, ancient capital of the incas. i got hit by altitude sickness rather badly the first day we flew there, was very miserable lying on the hostel bed trying to sleep with a splitting headache, ended up crying in the bathroom while the others were away because i felt so sick and afraid of the impending 4 day hike. very pathetic right but managed to sleep after that and so began to appreciate cusco the next day:
i must qualify that most of the photos i post weren't taken by me, especially the nice scenery shots.
llama in the street!
at sacsayhuaman (?), or "sexy woman", an archaeological ruin site near cusco. the place is very rich in historical legacy, very thrilling for me.

fooling around on a hill.
heh heh as usual i attempt to touch as many children as possible around the world.

i loved cusco, but it was the beginning of the slippery road to sickness that made me very weak during the hike. and i hate feeling weak. hence the depressing entry when i got back.

i'm trying to upload everything before school starts tomorrow and i get busy/lazy, so please forgive the flood of entries.

this winter break has been too amazing for our own good. how to settle down now into school?

winter break part one

we spent about 5 days in lima and 5 in cuzco. lima reminded me of kl, malaysia somehow, a mixture of modernity and chaos. it was such a confused place, with:

majestic spanish cathedrals that were lavishly and lovingly created and sustained but terrible imperialistic (?) reminders to the native peruvians, and:

ancient ruins that were barely there. i didn't really believe what they told us about the people of the past, because they were dodgy interpretations of whatever artifacts found. but they somehow complemented and contradicted the catacombs and architecture of the spanish cathedrals.

communicating with the people there went surprisingly smoothly. i'm sure we were ripped off wherever we went though and morris' gibberish that worked on the cab driver was a stroke of brilliance, probably sent from the inca gods.

road trip #2

here's part two of winter break, vegas, Hoover Dam, and grand canyon. 6 days of recovery after an exhausting year.

The Eiffel Tower at Vegas, city of excess. It was dripping with money and lights, fascinating but not a wise place to live perhaps. Very tiring urban hikes, but made worth while with the fountains of Bellagio, and of course, the company.


Chee Wei from Cornell, Morris from Berkeley, and Keith from Wesleyan, carpool buddies and fellow Peru veterans! They livened up the long journeys (12 hour car rides! 8 hour walks!) with their great sense of humor and singing and itunes playlists and junk food loading and general companionship. This is at the Hoover Dam. I love how Keith looks in pictures, very boyish and easy-going, just as he is in real life.

One of many shots of the Grand Canyon. A quote from a US president calls the canyon "beautiful and terrible and unearthly". It seemed to stretch out to infinity, calling out to us, but always out of reach, fenced away from us, because it'd consume us if we went too deep. Hiking was a dangerous business, someone died in there before from lack of adequate preparation. But also hilarious cos we lost half our team before we began and resorted to signs in the ground and other trekkers to reunite.
Again, at the canyon. We drove around quite a bit there. Morris who's directly behind me sticking his head out has really taken very good care of us throughout winter, from organising the Peru trip to making sure that we're living sensibly while having fun. Very grateful to him for letting me tag along on the Peru expedition, cos there's so much to learn and enjoy from this winter break and from him especially. Now to find the courage to tell him all this, because he's older and i'm scared of him sometimes.

Heh heh. Possibly my favourite picture? Mr Chee Wei, diva, rebel, languid and decadent, engineering book lover (a first!), Vegas fan. I love his sense of style and mobile expressions.

The highlight of Part Two of Winter was getting to know these people better i guess. Second best thing was being able to relax, finally. And learning that i can be myself, it's up to me to exert my personality, and much of my prior discontent was my own mind's doing.

shup, you're visiting ME with your savings!!! ignore jo!

3am and I cannot sleep in the sublet apartment. There is a golden muted (because it is late and indecent to be raucous at such a rare moment of quiet) contentment washed over my body that’s finally at peace with itself in the privacy of a separate room from others. I cannot bear to wake up to an unknown day; there is much to savor in this soft moment filled with unspoken poetry, and so I continue thinking and typing while the others are lost in their dreams a wall away.
sorry guys but there is no one else awake right now. cyberspace and your eyes are my companions at this time.

happier times

very sorry for the previous depressing post, was recovering from peru which affected me more than i thought. the us road trip was a blast. very invigorated now, will post tales and illustrations soon.

yay! this is a good start to the new year. many voices resurrected. sorry jo, i've been away for much of winter break, but i'll be moving back to my dorm tomorrow, so will be online more often. but there's about a week left of winter break that i have to maximise, so maybe only in the witching hours will you hear from me. have fun with zy, you're lucky my friend.

EH ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO COME TO MY HOUSE?? all three of you stay so near one another in the west and you want to crawl to the other side of singapore to sleep over at my house?? anw the call from the higher authorities has arrived; i'll definitely be back in singapore last week of june. and i'll be well and ready to go home by that time. changing while time has passed makes reunions more interesting. pity we missed the new year's party, but we'll definitely have our grand meeting in a few months' time. my drinking limit is increasing! even more interesting!

now i don't want winter break to end.

hello and goodbye

omg! i feel so so so guilty. i have not said anything here for a while!! shitz. anyway chim, when we get back the cheekygirls r gonna slpover at ur place! just to let u know, ha ha. well actually it's an excuse for us to all go pubbing together til very late and get wasted... that shall be our reunion in spore, and it'll be a blast :)

chim, why do i never see u online? ure the only cheekygirl i havent spoken to in a VERY LONG WHILE. when i read ur entries online i sometimes feel as if my chim is growing up a lot a lot in the states.. well, don't grow up too much! cos yah i still need the spastic girl who composes poetry for me. one of the best buds i ever found... really.

am going to stansted in a few hours time to sleepover, so i can catch the 630am flight to venice. budget airline brings u to strange places at strange times!!! the daud will kno exactly what i mean. im spending four days in that very romantic place with the boy, so it shld be very nice and relaxing. sch's starting next monday, but somehow it seems so far away. wish it would stayy far away too.

am curiously excited abt moving into my own place in the 2nd half of this year. its like, really my Own Place. can't beat that. doing everything from scratch w 3 other gd friends. i love that sense of freedom, jus can't get enough of it. the world has really opened up man... shup, save up abt 1500 sing dollars and come to london!! i'm so dying to share this place w u... it's like i didnt really like it at first. but gradually, it's become a place i call home... weird. love u guys!!!!

happy new year too

hola!
i'm back in berkeley, will be setting out for vegas and grand canyon tomorrow. peru was... don't have the words for it yet. very tired now, actually wishing for some personal time instead of a roadtrip. have been wanting some time alone since finals ended but was whooshed away to peru and meeting and being with a bunch of essentially strangers. still don't have the words for the trip. too many thoughts crowding up the heart. it was a good trip though, very jarring to the senses and the spirit.
very tired lah. haven't chilled out since a month ago? and my first conversations of the year with my mom made me feel very alien. how am i going to pick up the pieces of my old life when i finally go back?
urban alienation. everything around is moving so quickly, i don't know myself anymore, cos i've lost all my familiar points of references. ever felt this way?
shup, you're a gem, keep those smiles coming. don't worry too much about being individualistic when you play tennis. it's tough having to think about the greater group all the time i guess. we try. but no shame in wanting to play for yourself. enjoy the adrenaline of competition! good luck girl, whack the hell out of the world.
fauziah and jo, really haven't heard from you two. except for an occasional hello! from fuzzy, you two have been very stealthy man. i hope you two had loads of fun in spain seeing beautiful things and not getting into too much trouble.
i'm thankful for what i have, feel very undeserving at times, but there's always a but. i'm finding it hard to pinpoint happiness right now. finding myself grasping after it, desperately attaching it to whatever i can. what happened to simple, spontaneous joy that used to fill my heart naturally.
very ugh right now, withdrawing terribly into my secret shell.
i will be exuberant tomorrow. ugh.
i'm not ready to go home. i will never be ready to go home. if i could i wouldn't go back to singapore till my uni years are up. then there'll be a clean break between my old and my new lives. but life's hardly ever that neat.
vegas, here i come. maybe i'll get a new identity there. vegas, give me another skin.
so happy new year guys.
may 2006 be as eventful as 2005.
may we find out what we want.

happy new year!

hello girls! happy new year! =)
i didnt realise that we've hit the big 6-0 for no. of entries! congrats to us, chim especially haha. anw i wanna hear all bout your trips to peru and spain and vienna, so do post your stories and pictures ok!
anw the latest 'fun' thing i did was to go to the zoo, so here are some pics.


can you see the monkey on the tree and the behinds of the elephants haha. dont you just like nice sunshiny pics? i know i do anw haha.


i was trying to pose like the giraffe!

but anw, sch's starting for me tmr and its gonna be another mad rush, so enjoy your hols while you can! tennis quarters for me too, freaking out cos the gal's really much much better than me- keep your fingers crossed for me, whichever part of the world you're in now! we're tied at 1-1, postponed cos of rain delay last week. 3 matches to go- 1 quite beyond hope unfortunately, 2 more including my own needing a miracle! on another note, my sporty friends, do you all want individual glory more than team glory? team glory is great of cos, but ive realised that what i want most for tmr is to win my match, for myself and for all my years of playing- team glory's just an extra perk if possible. my friend commented that i was quite an 'individualistic' player cos i dont like playing doubles. i like concentrating on my own game and not having to worry bou t dancing ( playing) to the same tune as my partner. sigh. I NEED A MIRACLE!

have you all received my cards? i know jo has.. fuzz dear dont give me the cold shoulder! haven heard from you in such a long time!