hmm had a talk with my history teacher which made me qn academic integrity and whether it matters at all. do you future teachers think it's right if say your scholarship is at stake becos of bad grades and you tell your teacher and explain that you were sick and your teacher bumps you up a grade, and this is totally legal? i somehow feel that there's something wrong with this.. and it requires a lot of honesty on the student's part to retain integrity. not that i did it or am thinking of doing this, i actually told him to please grade me fairly for the final now that he knows that i've requirements to fulfill (we had a nice chat about singapore and the government and how he has a Lebanese scholarship too except the money goes to his dad, not him), and that i was shocked this system is acceptable. wah crap i'm going to worry about this, and now i really feel the pressure to do really well on the final to prove that i deserve an A. i've to prove to myself that i deserve the A that i want from this class that intrigues me the most but is causing me the most grief of all my classes.

hmm to him a B+/A- is "good", but i was so depressed when i got it. he says there're all this artificial unnecessary pressures placed on us by ourselves mostly. i'm just afraid that it stems from arrogance. slap me if i ever get cocky k.

indian dinner of lamb vindaloo, chicken tikka masala, spinach aloo thing with naan and rice! i wonder if i'll keep in touch with the friends i've made in this history section next semester, or if we'll be swept up by the rush of a new semester. it feels like it's evergreen here, time spans are fleeting, and we constantly have to face new challenges; it's built into the system. it's why i like the american system so much. intense with continual renewal.

hello hello some more

to add on to what i wrote before dinner called, i've been troubled by what Chaim Potok calls "core-to-core cultural confrontation" and writes about. it's what makes fauziah and me not as malay/chinese as we'd like to be i think. but i shouldn't make excuses for how i've let chinese slip out of my life and come up with funny theories on why i'm so darned comfortable with speaking thinking breathing english and not chinese as well. there's something dead wrong when my american roommate says that she's more asian than i am and by asian she means chinese really. i recently started really listening to how i speak. i can sound polished but the truth is i'll never sound as smooth as the americans do. don't know if i've a speech impediment or if it's just not my natural language. after all i grew up speaking chinese, up till sec sch when i discovered eng lit, and they've spoken english mostly all their lives. if we'd done chinese lit, i think i wouldn't be having this trouble. i'm always reminded by my roommate that i shouldn't be so comfortable with english when i help her with a sentence or a word that she's struggling to find, and she goes "i can't believe a foreigner can think of an english word and i can't" (on this i'm also quite irked by how sometimes they think anyone who's not american or western should be less liberated/modern/advanced in anything).

yeah that's why i'm listening to 九三三 fm now (inspired by my friend yonghe) hehe maybe i'll come back speaking better chinese than even you shup and surfing around for chinese lit courses to take. i think it'll be a great challenge to do chinese lit hehehe.

this is it for my weekly update on chimchiminychim. want to nurse my aching ankle now stupid cold and rain that just started is killing my foot. save me!

hello hello

hmm jo why be so hard on yourself? i always admired your self-assurance back in jc don't let the dreary skies get you down! remember you'll always be the most cultured vulgar person i know and love, screw math and econs. i'm sure you'll conquer them soon. just treat them as bitches you have to slap or something. you've always liked your liquor and it's not been a problem (cos you conk out quickly) just make sure you conk out with people you know k. really i know how easy it is to feel destructive, and how terrible the self-loathing when you act on that feeling. so my mood-swinging friend, learn my seismic punch and give it to the damned world.

here're some photos of me with a crutch hobbling around sf to cheer you up. it's very pro here, i've sprained so many things before but never got crutches. it's super tiring to walk with them!


can you spot the little bit of fringe that's starting to curl?? argh i'm going to have a head full of qn marks soon.GRRRRR. Crossed the bridge in defiance of the crutch. Feel bad for insisting on crossing the whole bridge. Funny thing is i thought the rest wanted to cross and i felt bad for my foot holding everyone back but actually this poor guy was freezing to death on the bridge and didn't want to cross. Hai.

I don't have the words to do justice to this beach we found near the golden gate park. it was untouched wild raw and vaster than any beach i ever imagined before.

yeah so got really acquainted with sf over thanksgiving break. made a funny video that i'll live to regret, will show you when it's edited hehehe.

ok shup i'll reply to your email during my 3 hour break tomorrow. juice and more juice! and fuzzy, take care of jo k. i'm very tempted to visit you during winter break. very tempted. tell me more about your plans from jan 12 to jan 16.

cant wait for michaelmas 2b over

hello its been so long since i posted! im so sorry. life is kinda sucky right now cos im steadily falling behind in my work- i cant understand the math and stats as well as i want to, which is freaking annoying. i hate coasting along.. i want to be brilliant. and besides that, lots of moodswings and self-doubt resurfacing for no apparent reason. the cold weather sucks!! AND im putting on weight which ladies and gentlemen, is a tragedy of such epic proportions cos ive been working out faithfully. time to run more and go on a diet. just like how chim wants to punish her brain, i want to punish my body for gaining the pounds.

i swear im not dealing with things right, cos the moment i feel down, i gotta fight that rising urge in my throat to hit the clubs or the bars. i havent been chionging, but i cant guarantee that i wont inthe future, which is semi-scary. as it is im already looking forward to the next clubbing event, cos its gonna be such a release of stress for me. unfortunately ive alr promised myself i cant get drunk that night, so well. ha ha.

on a happier note, ive a 3 month commitment to this class of 5/6 year olds in a london primary school. im just a teaching assistant so i only play with them. but its such a nice change from being caught up with myself (surely a nasty byproduct of independent living). speaking of which this entry reeks of self-indulgence. i apologise for that. on to the regular notes:

shup! i havent seen u online for soooo long. how r your exams going? if my memory isnt screwing up, theyre not over yet, right? right-o.

argh chim, thats damn tough luck :( rub it more, take gd care, dun make a chronic problem worse by neglecting it now...

heyo fuzz, i wanna go to mallorca. island. beach. paradise. shall we invest in a guidebook? suddenly the prospect of 3 hapless, non-Spanish-speaking girls wandering the streets seems daunting... exciting, but daunting.

Noooooo!

I sprained my bloody ankle!!!
my thanksgiving holiday has really started before it actually starts cos i can't hobble to school. damn painful! stupid stupid stupid. i shouldnt' have wished for pain in my previous entry. it's my old ankle injury RRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

can you tell i have a lot of time

hey shup thanks for your reply to my email... i'm going to post what i wrote you, that we cannot forget that we're the eternally optimistic, the eternally youthful, the eternally eager, because when we revisit old entries i want us to be reminded of this. i think it's not possible to be happy all the time, and because we can feel the joy of living ecstatically sometimes, it can go the other way just as easily, and so being in the dumps really sucks big time for us. at least we have each other to wallow together or to pull each other out of the shit holes we land in.
not that i'm complaining about life now that exam week crisis is over for me. it's just i decided to wander around in san francisco alone today, and the sheer loneliness of being in a foreign place struck me. being alone forced me to really take in my surroundings, and while it was interesting to hear people talk about their lives (they whine a lot over here), i felt terribly vulnerable and severed from the world i call my own. i'm afraid that i'm getting too comfortable here at berkeley. is it natural to like being here, abroad, as much as i do? have i just created another comfort zone to cruise around in? this is why i feel this constant urge to do more, to plan for a busier next semester, to learn more things. to basically feel that i cannot cope so that i can struggle and feel some pain. i need pain to feel alive. i wan tot be alive with rage. bwahaha.

no idea what i'm talking about now. see the silence of jo and fuzzy is making me insane and so i ramble to fill up the silence (rosencrantz and guildernstern!).

oh yeah fuzzy i just watched before sunrise. what do you think of the guy? compared to the girl he's so cynical and grrrrr. watch before sunrise! the girl's strong and passionate and PRETTY. you'll be inspired by her my babes. i think you all liked before sunset right.
DON'T WATCH "SAW" LATE INTO THE NIGHT AND THEN SHOWER EVEN LATER INTO THE NIGHT. bloody freaking scared. even now. especially in san francisco when i was walking and imagining psychos coming after me.

have to brave the shower now. see you all. grrrrr.

eternal sunshine

there is more to life, chimpy, im sure of that! its just how you find it, when you find it, and what you make of it! dont let your moods get you down gal =) its like how your life seems like a blast to me and i think how shitty my life is here.. but then i think again, and its not all that bad, and i will walk out whatever path i've chosen anyway. think: eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. (heh im waiting for the end of my exams to watch the dvd!)
hah what optimism coming from me, considering how disillusioned i am at the moment! very extremely so with church, that i blurted out to my brother that church is one big evil scheme- and he asked if i was implying god is evil ( shesh.) so i said no, god is good, church is evil. its the instituition, not the god. and i was reminded that this was the very distinction jean was always trying to make me see. sigh. i wonder if its my rebellious nature making me behave like a petulant child refusing to go to school. but there is no satisfaction in going, and i dont want to make going to church a 'for the people' thing. i feel very guilty about it, no thanks to them trying to guilt-trip me as well- even using a kid as a trump card grrh!
my semester has flown by me, i have one last paper in 4 days' time. how fast time has gone by, i can hardly believe it. i miss you guys terribly, very acutely felt when i was freaking out while mugging- chim and jo, you guys were no longer an sms or a phone call away, but a world apart, and worlds apart in terms of our lives now. so i swallowed my fear and mugged on. this sem has been mostly about learning to be independent, and i am stronger than before (think britney spears!) heh.
so keep going you guys =) send me your addresses ok, my msn email add is fine. will send you cards at least for xmas la, since you're not hauling your lazy asses back! =( if you have any special requests like chilli sauce or whatever just say it ok. and do tell me your lovely travel plans ( apart from llama-land chim) and when you're going.
take care and may (your respective) good gods bless you!

“And when the new year came, there would be college entrance exams and the beginning of a brand-new life. Uneasy though I was, I yearned for change. My heart and body both craved this unknown land, a blast of fresh air. That was the year Japanese universities were taken over by their students and Tokyo was transforming itself right before my eyes, and I was dying to catch that fever. Even if Izumi wanted me to stay and would have sex with me to ensure that, I knew my days in this sleepy town were numbered. If that meant the end of our relationship, so be it. If I stayed here something inside me would be lost forever – something I couldn’t afford to lose. It was like a vague dream, a burning, unfulfilled desire. The kind of dream people have only when they’re seventeen.

Izumi could never understand my dream. She had her own dreams, a vision of a far different place, a world unlike my own.”

--Haruki Murakami and his bloody ephemeral realities and fleeting intensities that have been screwing up my mood the past week as i read "South of the Border, West of the Sun" in my bid to read at least one book that hammers me hard every week. i've found the brilliant Half-price Books store, bought 4 books at thirty bucks! my mood tends to vacillate according to what i'm reading though, and Murakami really made me feel very unsettled just when i was glorying in the amazing reality of me being here and now. i've no idea what the hell i'm doing with my life my friends. not that i'm unhappy with taking up the scholarship, just that sometimes i feel i do things to fill my time so i don't go insane with the fact of a meaningless existence. bloody a level lit and existential angst. what the hell am i doing on this earth. i used to think i'd want to be a warrior for children born into suffering, and i did check out some student groups to fulfill this dream, but they seemed quite inane, and so i've to source out stuff myself. nepal anyone? then now, there're so many temptations that make me feel like i'm becoming a sellout. a disappointment to myself and the ideals i held (you guys had no idea right), that i question if i'm really what i thought i was. the whole who am i and what i'm doing here thing comes into play again. ARGH. this is why my msn nick hasn't changed in years. ARGH.

i'm afraid i'll be attracted like a moth to a life that glows like a neon sign that has lots of flash cos it has nothing else to offer. i'd rather be attracted to a real light with a fire that kills me with its burning intensity.

ok i just realised that murakami really jolts me out of my complacency, and so depresses me.

on much happier things:

Watched Jason Mraz with James Blunt and Tristan opening for his amazing concert in San Francisco on Tuesday night. As cute and energising and creative as Jason Mraz was, James Blunt was the one who sang to my soul that night. His opening performance was intimate and real with lots of sad songs. Jason Mraz was way flashier, and so i was more suspicious of his intentions to please the audience i guess. James Blunt wore his heart on his sleeve.

Then there was Stephen Hawking in Oakland on Thursday night. it wasn't the intellectual sciency lecture that i'd expected, but there were some thought-provoking gems among the crappy humour he used for the americans who digged the lamest stuff. and it was nice to see theo and alex at the talk too. they're two of the three floor mates i'll miss when i move out, cos they're unorthodox and friendly and earnest.

Finally, today, hiked up Mount Diablo, a 7.5 mile hike with 3200 ft elevation to the summit, and then 7.5 miles back down. i enjoy punishing my body hah. but i seriously love being in the outdoors over here. i relish every run i go on, every walk after my volunteering at the school, every mountain that allows me to run around in the open for hours. of course, also trying to lose weight i've put on since coming here. hoy you all be more disciplined when you eat.

I feel moodier after typing all this down.

restless

yo in the past week or so i've shocked myself and i'm going to shock you'll now. i slapped my neighbour! i, who used to run away from ants! i feel like a big bitch now leh, because i don't normally lash out at people like that, but that guy has been bullying me big time for a while, and he just went too far one night. then i felt bad and so just ignored him when he started vrbally abusing me after i slapped him, and turned my back to him in my bed. but i was so pissed off because i thought then that he thoroughly deserved that slap and he was a jerk, that i started crying in bed. but he didn't see lah, and for that i'm grateful cos too much drama already, except now he probably thinks i'm a mega bitch, and we're not talking at all. exciting floor life right. worst thing is my roommate has a crush on him, so what the hell do i do... i hate immature people. can you believe this happened to me of all people?!? i think you guys make me mild, so in singapore i'm like a sheep. now i'm a snarling ball of antagonism?? but i still think it's not my fault that it's so screwed up, and i don't care anymore.

because i feel so restless now. i'm itching to fill every hour with something to do. horrible neighbour seems very trivial compared to all the things i can do with my time here.

anyway, on a happier note, i ran (or jogged more like it) 21km in the San Jose Silicon Valley half-marathon! muscles and ankles ache, but the run was super enjoyable, gorgeous weather and trees turning red and gold all the way. i love autumn here, it has all the rich mature elegance that i lusted after when i read Persuasion by Jane Austen.

i desperately need a new way to pose in photos. this is me after the run, holding up my finisher's medal. didn't stop to walk! whee.

oh yeah, went for two halloween things. will upload photos once i get hold of them. just say for now that i was a french maid (bloody mistake, looked like a real maid like my friend said, and it ws bloody uncomfortable) and then a blue and white faced freak with a hat and a cane. can't imagine right. i've loads of the face paint left, will scare you all one day. and hey thinking of visiting during spring break, will bug you guys next year. for now, i've booked my ticket to peru, will be there dec 20th to jan 1st. argh! 82km hike to see ruins on a mountain. will i be eaten by cannibals? recruited by drug lords? tricked of everything but the clothes on my back? obviously i don't know much about peru, i'm damn excited about it. can't speak a word of spanish, don't know nuts about the place, and i'm going to trek there with nothing but a backpack. whee. i hope i get to see beautiful brown muscular things.

as usual, personal parting words:
jo: hehehe i see your belly. cute. i like. i need to talk to you someday man. triangle of LUUUURVE! tel me all about it.
shu ping: that was a very sad quote you put up, i hope you don't believe in it. you must love me at least. i'm your chimpy, you cannot hole up your heart away from my warm grasp.
fuzzy: hmph, beware of your housemate. i hope the one who got stoned didn't and won' tbother you. apart from that, maintain friendly relations with the cute one at least k. i'm coooming one day.

there. my reputation is well and truly ruined. i hope you all are happy.