“And when the new year came, there would be college entrance exams and the beginning of a brand-new life. Uneasy though I was, I yearned for change. My heart and body both craved this unknown land, a blast of fresh air. That was the year Japanese universities were taken over by their students and Tokyo was transforming itself right before my eyes, and I was dying to catch that fever. Even if Izumi wanted me to stay and would have sex with me to ensure that, I knew my days in this sleepy town were numbered. If that meant the end of our relationship, so be it. If I stayed here something inside me would be lost forever – something I couldn’t afford to lose. It was like a vague dream, a burning, unfulfilled desire. The kind of dream people have only when they’re seventeen.

Izumi could never understand my dream. She had her own dreams, a vision of a far different place, a world unlike my own.”

--Haruki Murakami and his bloody ephemeral realities and fleeting intensities that have been screwing up my mood the past week as i read "South of the Border, West of the Sun" in my bid to read at least one book that hammers me hard every week. i've found the brilliant Half-price Books store, bought 4 books at thirty bucks! my mood tends to vacillate according to what i'm reading though, and Murakami really made me feel very unsettled just when i was glorying in the amazing reality of me being here and now. i've no idea what the hell i'm doing with my life my friends. not that i'm unhappy with taking up the scholarship, just that sometimes i feel i do things to fill my time so i don't go insane with the fact of a meaningless existence. bloody a level lit and existential angst. what the hell am i doing on this earth. i used to think i'd want to be a warrior for children born into suffering, and i did check out some student groups to fulfill this dream, but they seemed quite inane, and so i've to source out stuff myself. nepal anyone? then now, there're so many temptations that make me feel like i'm becoming a sellout. a disappointment to myself and the ideals i held (you guys had no idea right), that i question if i'm really what i thought i was. the whole who am i and what i'm doing here thing comes into play again. ARGH. this is why my msn nick hasn't changed in years. ARGH.

i'm afraid i'll be attracted like a moth to a life that glows like a neon sign that has lots of flash cos it has nothing else to offer. i'd rather be attracted to a real light with a fire that kills me with its burning intensity.

ok i just realised that murakami really jolts me out of my complacency, and so depresses me.

on much happier things:

Watched Jason Mraz with James Blunt and Tristan opening for his amazing concert in San Francisco on Tuesday night. As cute and energising and creative as Jason Mraz was, James Blunt was the one who sang to my soul that night. His opening performance was intimate and real with lots of sad songs. Jason Mraz was way flashier, and so i was more suspicious of his intentions to please the audience i guess. James Blunt wore his heart on his sleeve.

Then there was Stephen Hawking in Oakland on Thursday night. it wasn't the intellectual sciency lecture that i'd expected, but there were some thought-provoking gems among the crappy humour he used for the americans who digged the lamest stuff. and it was nice to see theo and alex at the talk too. they're two of the three floor mates i'll miss when i move out, cos they're unorthodox and friendly and earnest.

Finally, today, hiked up Mount Diablo, a 7.5 mile hike with 3200 ft elevation to the summit, and then 7.5 miles back down. i enjoy punishing my body hah. but i seriously love being in the outdoors over here. i relish every run i go on, every walk after my volunteering at the school, every mountain that allows me to run around in the open for hours. of course, also trying to lose weight i've put on since coming here. hoy you all be more disciplined when you eat.

I feel moodier after typing all this down.