finally! after months of barely working/feeling that i'm learning, after letting my mind wander to more instantly pleasurable realms, i'm getting back the groove

the memory of that process of intellectual awakening in the Inner Asia class last semester, the professor who took an unexpected interest, and that yearning for the class not to end(!), will serve as fuel for the final sprint to the degree. i was afraid that i wouldn't graduate just a few weeks back. too many distractions - it's as though life that had been put on hold demanded all i had to offer all at once. and i let myself be consumed. ironically when i thought life was going to slow to an unbearable crawl cos of my knee.

i'm romanticizing, of course. there were moments when i resented like hell what people expected of me. and when i thought i'd lost all self-respect/dignity because i couldn't function when there was sudden silence and doubt crept into my perceptions of people around me. but i think we've all settled into a nice equilibrium, and there's a palpable desire all around to make the end beautiful. 5 more weeks of instruction, two weeks reading period, exams/papers, graduation! goodbye academia! i wonder if i'll ever feel again the way i felt at those moments of clarity and resonance that came over me after struggling over texts. i can remember every single one of those over the past 4 years. and some in JC too. scary! leaving all this behind for the next 6 years, at least. scary! relieved? don't know.

i complain about the cold, but i've grown to love how the wind bites. even if it's the end of march and spring is still nowhere in sight. the brain wakes instantly.

wine, excellent food, and fun friends make coming home past midnight in the bitter boston wind so worth it. here's to more wine goodness on wed! not going on spring break is turning out to be more fun than previous spring breaks!

end of march and temperature's still below freezing! wah lau! si mi spring?!

i am calmed by her presence. annoyed at first that she was going on endlessly about something she'd lost, then realized that it was my inhibitions that made her seem unaware of my distress. if i'd said just one word about how i felt she'd have listened. but i continued listening, and felt the self-absorbed funk slip away.

so strange. i guess we're really meant to marry each other.

anxiety levels are off the charts.

how dramatic, taking off into the Yard after the screening, seeking solace in the night sky. spotted and comforted by two unexpecteds. more pacing under the trees, then chinese songs.

old memories are coming back. stalking tendencies taking over and removing all sense of dignity on msn.

i hope this is all thesis stress and will go away in a month's time.

sitting at my desk and thinking of mountains

i've done the most exploring when i felt the most disconnected. the past few months of enforced rootedness have been fulfilling, but i sense restlessness building up.

"You see, like you, I suffer from the fantastic and so I love the realism of earth." i'm afraid realism's losing its grip on me, as the thrill of new connections made loses its lustre and glamor.

we are so doing this

• Amanohashidate - literally "the bridge to heaven", it is considered one of Japan's top three scenic view (along with Matsushima in Miyagi prefecture and Miyajima in Hiroshima prefecture). It forms a thin strip of land straddling the Miyazu Bay in northern Kyoto Prefecture, hence the name. Visitors are asked to turn their backs toward the view, bend over, and look at it between their legs.

no and thank you, please madam, i'm not lost, just wandering

finally, a relatively quiet week.

what's the meaning of all these intense connections that seem so disconnected with each other? how will i look back on this final year in the US and on the people whose lives have touched mine? or will i just leave everything behind yet again and move on swiftly to the next all-consuming present? to avoid feelings of emptiness i cling onto the presence of people who take my mind off myself and work (so naughty!). almost a vice.

i've shown this poem to two very different guys, cos somehow it's been relevant to conversation. funny how it has stuck in my brain after so many years. i'm posting it so i'll remember those two people years from now.

Ignorant before the heavens of my life,
I stand and gaze in wonder. Oh the vastness
of the stars. Their rising and descent. How still.
As if I didn't exist. Do I have any
share in this? Have I somehow dispensed with
their pure effect? Does my blood's ebb and flow
change with their changes? Let me put aside
every desire, every relationship
except this one, so that my heart grows used to
its farthest spaces. Better that it live
fully aware, in the terror of its stars, than
as if protected, soothed by what is near.

-Rilke

so much snow! in march! i don't dare step out, cos i'll just breathe in snow.

sleep-deprived week. strange connections and losing sight of self.

i have no self-control

got your message fuzzy. sad that you're not coming - are you canceling the entire east coast trip? if you're still going to nyc i can meet you there.

i need the resolve to cut someone out of my life. can't have more flightiness. wish me luck!