finally, a relatively quiet week.

what's the meaning of all these intense connections that seem so disconnected with each other? how will i look back on this final year in the US and on the people whose lives have touched mine? or will i just leave everything behind yet again and move on swiftly to the next all-consuming present? to avoid feelings of emptiness i cling onto the presence of people who take my mind off myself and work (so naughty!). almost a vice.

i've shown this poem to two very different guys, cos somehow it's been relevant to conversation. funny how it has stuck in my brain after so many years. i'm posting it so i'll remember those two people years from now.

Ignorant before the heavens of my life,
I stand and gaze in wonder. Oh the vastness
of the stars. Their rising and descent. How still.
As if I didn't exist. Do I have any
share in this? Have I somehow dispensed with
their pure effect? Does my blood's ebb and flow
change with their changes? Let me put aside
every desire, every relationship
except this one, so that my heart grows used to
its farthest spaces. Better that it live
fully aware, in the terror of its stars, than
as if protected, soothed by what is near.

-Rilke