finally! after months of barely working/feeling that i'm learning, after letting my mind wander to more instantly pleasurable realms, i'm getting back the groove

the memory of that process of intellectual awakening in the Inner Asia class last semester, the professor who took an unexpected interest, and that yearning for the class not to end(!), will serve as fuel for the final sprint to the degree. i was afraid that i wouldn't graduate just a few weeks back. too many distractions - it's as though life that had been put on hold demanded all i had to offer all at once. and i let myself be consumed. ironically when i thought life was going to slow to an unbearable crawl cos of my knee.

i'm romanticizing, of course. there were moments when i resented like hell what people expected of me. and when i thought i'd lost all self-respect/dignity because i couldn't function when there was sudden silence and doubt crept into my perceptions of people around me. but i think we've all settled into a nice equilibrium, and there's a palpable desire all around to make the end beautiful. 5 more weeks of instruction, two weeks reading period, exams/papers, graduation! goodbye academia! i wonder if i'll ever feel again the way i felt at those moments of clarity and resonance that came over me after struggling over texts. i can remember every single one of those over the past 4 years. and some in JC too. scary! leaving all this behind for the next 6 years, at least. scary! relieved? don't know.