i always read the acknowledgments when i start on a history book. the sense of family is irresistibly strong, and the names of teachers past and colleagues present have become so familiar, almost loved. i'm idealizing my hypothetical place in this imagined universe that i'm drawn to but can't plunge into wholeheartedly. it's a vivid fantasy though, and i'm starting to feel that i shouldn't have come here for one year, that i should have stuck to my all-or-nothing philosophy more honestly, and not put one toe into grad school. i'm not learning as i know i should, nor not-learning as i could either. wah lau. i'm just damned sad tonight, after being with a bunch i probably should keep as far away from as possible, because everything's just so wrong