thanks shup, for being there that night when i really needed to tell someone what i told you; didn't realize that it ate me up inside every week, every time i got the call that turned the world screwy and scary, until you listened

was burstful with angry contempt and disappointment, but like i told shup, very determined too to be happy, and ashamed to be so harsh on you who're only human after all. there're other things that don't deserve tears: ice-skating and hip hop and driving; sushi and the boy with the bright eyes and knowing, crooning smile; indonesian food and full monty and beer and ben & jerry's; bad horror movies and possibly more horrific make-up and dancing foolingaround; just plain good company; getting to and staying under pre-berkeley weight (yes!); meeting new people who're as willing to please as you are (and some full of wonderful crap, welcome to the world of public speaking and socializing, forced and pleasurable), finding people who care about kids and work their butts off together for kids =) (oases!), cementing previously tentative friendships (pleaseplease don't let one turn lesbian though); finally kind of knowing and accepting what i want to do with my life - everything seems so clear now, and yes, there's a certain poise deriving from that clarity that radiates solid stability instead of a hurtling after wisps of glory and false grandeur.

blogging feels v reductive, don't you think. how to sum up your life in words? two months have gone by, a year from now will these words and others be all that's remembered about these 60 days? so many words thrown around, so many emotions, expressed and simmering, so many confused tears swallowed and spilled when the call comes from the world across the ocean that's slowly slipping into absurdity.

next month all this will seem like a dream. but for now, i'll just enjoy the boy with the smile and all the right moves, crooning under the soft light.