the motorcycle diaries

This world ain't all sunshine and rainbows

2010-12-18T10:39:00.003+08:00

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!

Rocky Balboa
Speaking to his son in Rocky Balboa (2006)

2010-04-25T10:19:00.002+08:00

IRONIC

i was so intensely focused on work that i didn't see the attack coming.

Postscript

And some time make the time to drive out west
Into County Clare, along the Flaggy Shore,
In September or October, when the wind
And the light are working off each other
So that the ocean on one side is wild
With foam and glitter, and inland among stones
The surface of a slate-grey lake is lit
By the earthed lightning of a flock of swans,
Their feathers roughed and ruffling, white on white,
Their fully grown headstrong-looking heads
Tucked or cresting or busy underwater.
Useless to think you'll park and capture it
More thoroughly. You are neither here nor there,
A hurry through which known and strange things pass
As big soft buffetings come at the car sideways
And catch the heart off guard and blow it open.

From THE SPIRIT LEVEL (Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1996)

2009-09-24T15:44:00.000+08:00

"We should have preferences that lead us into one future over another. But when those preferences drive us too hard and too fast because we have overrated the difference between these futures, we are at risk. When our ambition is bounded, it leads us to work joyfully. When our ambition is unbounded, it leads us to lie, to cheat, to steal, to hurt others, to sacrifice things of real value. When our fears are bounded, we're prudent, we're cautious, we're thoughtful. When our fears are unbounded and overblown, we're reckless, and we're cowardly."

Dan Gilbert

2009-07-26T00:14:00.004+08:00

turns out i don't have a weak knee from injuring it 10 yrs ago. there's a huge piece of bone floating around in the knee area, probably from when i "sprained" it (bloody hell! it was a fracture and the doctor didn't know cos he didn't xray me! lesson to all - xray suspected sprains). my fracture this year has become a huge blessing in disguise. all that pain and fear and consequent drama paid off - i'm going for surgery, will hopefully have a normal knee that can climb mountains and run marathons, after so many years.

i'm writing about this because there were nasty moments this year when i thought i wouldn't regain full use of my knee, and now, there's a chance of being stronger than before. argh i want to cry. but no expectations, still. surgery could go horribly wrong.

2009-07-23T11:39:00.002+08:00

"May God break my heart so completely that the whole world falls in." - Mother Theresa

too much talking about nothing. so ready to focus youthful hungry energies.

2009-05-22T19:04:00.002+08:00

I'd forgotten how nice it was to genuinely enjoy a book. Lazy Friday ahead methinks... (A tad undeserved)

2009-05-09T04:12:00.002+08:00

BIG scandal that blew up on tue. ask me when i'm done with papers.

2009-05-08T10:03:00.002+08:00

"The old woman's face dissolved from my mind, only to be replaced by a series of others. The copper-skinned face of the Mexican maid, straining as she carries out the garbage. The face of Lolo's mother drawn with grief as she watches the Dutch burn down her house. The tight-lipped, chalk-covered face of Toot as she boards the six-thirty A.M. bus that will take her to work. Only a lack of imagination, a failure of nerve, had made me think that I had to choose between them. They all asked the same thing of me, these grandmothers of mine.
My identity might begin with the fact of my race, but it didn't, couldn't end there.
At least that's what I would choose to believe."
--Been reading "Dreams From My Father" by Obama to try and understand how identity is narrated, and come to terms with going back to a past that can't, but must, be narrated, in order for me to meet what comes next with vitality.

2009-05-05T01:30:00.002+08:00

thesis turned in.

being with the aspiring phds makes me sad. while i'm thinking of leaving and starting anew, some of my favoritest people will be here for many years to come. and they're starting to reconfigure the group based on that reality. this girl's moving in with another who's also going to apply for the phd program next semester. and I's all set to be here for 5 more yrs. J's leaving, for exotic travels. we've started thinking about a 10 yr reunion, cos that's when a lot of our lives' most intense striving will likely be over (or hopefully not).

we can't go on. we go on.

(film class rocks big time. let's make a movie!!!!!!)

2009-04-30T08:40:00.003+08:00

absolute CRUNCH time. will let you know if i survive churning out a thesis in 2 days (and the obscene amount of caffeine surging through my body now)

2009-04-26T03:29:00.001+08:00

BIG SIGH.

sigh

2009-04-22T06:41:00.002+08:00

14-15 August: Hong Kong - Amsterdam - Buenos Aires

Another thirty-six-hour flight into everything I've spent more than half my life flying away from: mediocrity rather than identity, borrowed values rather than ideas of one's own. All the reasons I hated and left Australia so long ago come closer with each time zone and more terrifyingly magnified through the bottom of each in-flight glass. Don't try for me, Argentina... I don't know how I'm going to try for you! Going there we gain a day. Leaving, we lose nothing.

--Christopher Doyle

Watch Hou Hsiao Hsien's City of Sadness, Lou Ye's Suzhou River, Jiang Wen's In The Heat of the Sun, and Edward Yang's Yi Yi (A One and a Two) when you can!

2009-04-21T03:32:00.003+08:00

spending more time on travel plans than thesis!

may 23-27: new orleans! deep fried swampy goodness from the comfort of a marriott room!
may 28-31: nyc
may 31-jun 4: new england with my mom and then graduation
jun 5: quick downtown LA lunch
jun 6-20: JAPAN

ok wanderlust begone from system! need to focus NOW, or i can't graduate. so paiseh to see my prof every week with NOTHING to show

2009-04-20T06:58:00.002+08:00

sad that one more stage of life's soon to be over - really feel like i'm graduating this year, because it's all grown-upness from now on. can't be footloose no more argh noose

2009-04-07T01:22:00.000+08:00

2009-03-28T09:50:00.002+08:00

finally! after months of barely working/feeling that i'm learning, after letting my mind wander to more instantly pleasurable realms, i'm getting back the groove

the memory of that process of intellectual awakening in the Inner Asia class last semester, the professor who took an unexpected interest, and that yearning for the class not to end(!), will serve as fuel for the final sprint to the degree. i was afraid that i wouldn't graduate just a few weeks back. too many distractions - it's as though life that had been put on hold demanded all i had to offer all at once. and i let myself be consumed. ironically when i thought life was going to slow to an unbearable crawl cos of my knee.

i'm romanticizing, of course. there were moments when i resented like hell what people expected of me. and when i thought i'd lost all self-respect/dignity because i couldn't function when there was sudden silence and doubt crept into my perceptions of people around me. but i think we've all settled into a nice equilibrium, and there's a palpable desire all around to make the end beautiful. 5 more weeks of instruction, two weeks reading period, exams/papers, graduation! goodbye academia! i wonder if i'll ever feel again the way i felt at those moments of clarity and resonance that came over me after struggling over texts. i can remember every single one of those over the past 4 years. and some in JC too. scary! leaving all this behind for the next 6 years, at least. scary! relieved? don't know.

2009-03-25T01:57:00.002+08:00

i complain about the cold, but i've grown to love how the wind bites. even if it's the end of march and spring is still nowhere in sight. the brain wakes instantly.

2009-03-24T12:33:00.001+08:00

wine, excellent food, and fun friends make coming home past midnight in the bitter boston wind so worth it. here's to more wine goodness on wed! not going on spring break is turning out to be more fun than previous spring breaks!

2009-03-22T05:05:00.001+08:00

end of march and temperature's still below freezing! wah lau! si mi spring?!

2009-03-18T13:52:00.002+08:00

i am calmed by her presence. annoyed at first that she was going on endlessly about something she'd lost, then realized that it was my inhibitions that made her seem unaware of my distress. if i'd said just one word about how i felt she'd have listened. but i continued listening, and felt the self-absorbed funk slip away.

so strange. i guess we're really meant to marry each other.

2009-03-18T10:00:00.003+08:00

anxiety levels are off the charts.

how dramatic, taking off into the Yard after the screening, seeking solace in the night sky. spotted and comforted by two unexpecteds. more pacing under the trees, then chinese songs.

old memories are coming back. stalking tendencies taking over and removing all sense of dignity on msn.

i hope this is all thesis stress and will go away in a month's time.

sitting at my desk and thinking of mountains

2009-03-15T14:20:00.003+08:00

i've done the most exploring when i felt the most disconnected. the past few months of enforced rootedness have been fulfilling, but i sense restlessness building up.

"You see, like you, I suffer from the fantastic and so I love the realism of earth." i'm afraid realism's losing its grip on me, as the thrill of new connections made loses its lustre and glamor.

we are so doing this

2009-03-15T13:39:00.001+08:00

Amanohashidate - literally "the bridge to heaven", it is considered one of Japan's top three scenic view (along with Matsushima in Miyagi prefecture and Miyajima in Hiroshima prefecture). It forms a thin strip of land straddling the Miyazu Bay in northern Kyoto Prefecture, hence the name. Visitors are asked to turn their backs toward the view, bend over, and look at it between their legs.

2009-03-14T08:46:00.003+08:00

no and thank you, please madam, i'm not lost, just wandering

2009-03-12T07:39:00.002+08:00

finally, a relatively quiet week.

what's the meaning of all these intense connections that seem so disconnected with each other? how will i look back on this final year in the US and on the people whose lives have touched mine? or will i just leave everything behind yet again and move on swiftly to the next all-consuming present? to avoid feelings of emptiness i cling onto the presence of people who take my mind off myself and work (so naughty!). almost a vice.

i've shown this poem to two very different guys, cos somehow it's been relevant to conversation. funny how it has stuck in my brain after so many years. i'm posting it so i'll remember those two people years from now.

Ignorant before the heavens of my life,
I stand and gaze in wonder. Oh the vastness
of the stars. Their rising and descent. How still.
As if I didn't exist. Do I have any
share in this? Have I somehow dispensed with
their pure effect? Does my blood's ebb and flow
change with their changes? Let me put aside
every desire, every relationship
except this one, so that my heart grows used to
its farthest spaces. Better that it live
fully aware, in the terror of its stars, than
as if protected, soothed by what is near.

-Rilke

2009-03-09T21:33:00.001+08:00

so much snow! in march! i don't dare step out, cos i'll just breathe in snow.

sleep-deprived week. strange connections and losing sight of self.

2009-03-05T15:55:00.002+08:00

i have no self-control

2009-03-03T02:11:00.002+08:00

got your message fuzzy. sad that you're not coming - are you canceling the entire east coast trip? if you're still going to nyc i can meet you there.

i need the resolve to cut someone out of my life. can't have more flightiness. wish me luck!

2009-02-22T23:23:00.002+08:00

only one word for you shups - JAPAN

and fuzzy, i've been swinging from strange contentment to extreme out-of-sortness every few days for the last two months. very tempted to go to new orleans over spring break to get away from everything, but it'll be for 5 days at most, and i should be around when you show up (if you do). anyway brokeness and thoughts of thesis are holding me back for now

2009-02-13T00:04:00.003+08:00

the writing is killing me, one word at a time, slowly but surely. recession, pls be over soon!

2009-02-10T09:43:00.004+08:00

with my mind more interested in planning holidays than dissertations, i feel your pain chim. scotland in 2 days to see snow capped, 'misty mountain-tops'... from afar.

2009-02-08T05:50:00.002+08:00

omg 4 more months. can i be blamed for choosing wandering over work? in dire danger of not graduating if i don't figure out what to write for my thesis soon.

absolutely can't imagine living with family again. thank goodness there's nie for me to figure out where to stay after that.

movie night = sober realization that i narrowly escaped being one of J's collection of victims. and am still escaping. and coming home to more drama = wtf does hx's floormate think she is to decide if i should speak to I! increasingly unhappy/pissed off today about what i learnt, but could be body not reacting well to combi of late night beer and cookies.

2009-02-07T08:01:00.002+08:00

you know those comic strip scenarios where school gets canceled because of snow? as good to experience as to read on paper.

2009-01-30T23:37:00.003+08:00

somehow got into the scariest seminar of all time. all-or-nothing here we go.

2009-01-27T23:26:00.002+08:00

i didn't realize how screwed up my knee is until today. approaching 3 weeks and i still can't raise or bend my leg. going for an MRI next week - hoping like hell that i won't need surgery, but the odds are not good =(

ok whine over. i'm stronger mentally than this. it's just that i fully realized today at the hospital how long recovery's going to take and that i may not be able to do all the sporty/outdoorsy stuff i love for a really long while. was rather devastated. but i'll learn patience, as ian told me.

very tempted to take the easiest classes i can find.

weakness! must be strong!

2009-01-24T06:24:00.002+08:00

took my first step outside today in 2 weeks - i'll never complain about others walking too slowly again.

feeling very lost-in-translationish, after 2 weeks of luxuriating in nina-simoneness. emobummer.

i can't believe how i'm indulging in mind-drifting now with a huge paper hanging over my head. i've lost all semblance of structure, and boy does it feel good. i dream of nights of conversation along the charles river or in the T-stations, of racing from square to square in boston until dawn breaks at the harbor, of lying in the old yard or on the steps of widener with a kindred spirit. why all at night? when i think of san francisco/berkeley i can feel the californian light.

2009-01-23T00:53:00.003+08:00

what's the next adventure going to be?

They danced down the streets like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!"
--Kerouac

never felt more alive than when he was interrogating me and we realized we were of the same mold, liable to pack and go anytime, anywhere. was so tired and listless last night, wishing to be left alone to grieve. the next day, and i'm raring to go again, to create more in-the-moment pictures, to just color the world the way my spirit feels it should be!

Kerouac's for him. 3 years ago, when we hiked in SF and found the museum and he told me i should read on the road and i'd no idea then that i'll move so far away from that over-protected fearful girl. what did this book mean to him?

2009-01-21T21:18:00.002+08:00

that's it i've had enough of convalescence, as fun as it has been. can't wait for classes to begin, even though it still takes me 5 min to get to my door without my brace.

2009-01-16T19:05:00.004+08:00

more bad news! this time it's really serious, but for two dear friends far away, so i can't do anything but feel sad now. i've lost all motivation to do work, with the stuff that's been going on. no idea how i'm going to graduate at this rate, but who cares anymore?

i'm super paranoid now, so let me just tell you, shup fuzzy jo (don't think she comes here anymore), that i love you all very much and you guys make me feel less lonely even when we don't communicate for a month. cos i stupidly take for granted that you'll be there, somewhere.

2009-01-14T05:15:00.007+08:00

Just in time

Before you came my time was running low oh baby
I was lost the losing dice were tossed
My bridges all crossed nowhere to go
Now you hear now I know just where I’m going
No more doubt of fear I’ve found my way
For love came just in time you’ve found me just in time
And changed my lonely nights and changed my lonely nights
And changed my lonely nights and changed my lonely nights
And changed my lonely nights that lucky day

someone triggered off the memory of this song from
before sunset,but he's not related in the way the
song suggests. maybe it's the endorphins from the
pain, but i feel a lot of love now, both from and
for the world! or maybe it's the intruders.
grin.

2009-01-12T17:40:00.002+08:00

the upshot of all this pain is i'm getting to know the friends made last year VERY well. it's 4am and 2 are camping out in my floor's lounge. it'll be weird when i'm healed and classes begin and i won't have this effortless access to people who matter to me!

2009-01-11T17:48:00.001+08:00

fractured my knee, going to be out of action for a while. and exams/final papers haven't really begun!

2008-12-19T19:57:00.003+08:00

recently caught the nutcracker ballet in time for the holiday season. first ballet i sat through without sleeping- it was that good. being able to see the stage helps, too.

2008-12-16T16:28:00.002+08:00

it was a very very strange night.

3am and i'm at page 0 of 15 pages i need to produce by 12noon.

and obviously not working very hard now.

2008-12-12T05:28:00.003+08:00

back from a running high. eight hours of sunlight means winter has come, and this winter, it brings gratefulness, to pick a word that encompasses this time. i learn that nostalgia is a bad emotion, but too much time lost between the lesson and its learning. this year needs to pass slower - slowly, now.

2008-12-11T06:17:00.002+08:00

it's all in the head!

crazy weather and hormones flying around with school winding down and pressure cranking up. how to go to italy like that?

2008-12-08T05:23:00.001+08:00

ok fantasy so over. the world's right again! different destiny to fulfill, and it's going to be kickass!

and it SNOWED like crazy today

2008-12-07T10:46:00.002+08:00

i always read the acknowledgments when i start on a history book. the sense of family is irresistibly strong, and the names of teachers past and colleagues present have become so familiar, almost loved. i'm idealizing my hypothetical place in this imagined universe that i'm drawn to but can't plunge into wholeheartedly. it's a vivid fantasy though, and i'm starting to feel that i shouldn't have come here for one year, that i should have stuck to my all-or-nothing philosophy more honestly, and not put one toe into grad school. i'm not learning as i know i should, nor not-learning as i could either. wah lau. i'm just damned sad tonight, after being with a bunch i probably should keep as far away from as possible, because everything's just so wrong

BARBARIANS

2008-12-07T10:03:00.003+08:00

bribe turned genuine token of friendship paper napkin flower

sanest of us all

i said candid shot! most outrageous person i know

my favorite bear, ever

And the best pic is yet to be in my possession, with the biggest baddest barbarian of them all. let's just say piggybacking 2 people who tower over me isn't a good idea - especially when they decide it's my turn to be in the air.

Will try and show girl who torments me with affection all the time - the only person who's managed to get me to talk about myself without knowing her for years first.

Probably means something when the people i spend tonnes of time with are aspiring professors. the fit's not entirely smooth, though, and sometimes it's easier to be with the aspiring/current government people. Different conversations, more of fascination with the first and relaxed solidarity with the others. Then there're those who understand the nuances of the craziness that's naturalized into our situations, and who bear witness to my burstful spirit when i need someone who knows where i'm coming from.

a bit miffed at social and cultural studies

2008-11-24T01:20:00.002+08:00

first time i'm counting the number of weeks of classes left (3) and wishing there were more! and all because of one class!

anyway, fell sick yesterday hence incoherent rambling in previous post, so shups, nothing much to report cos i'm alternating between lying in bed and trying to write a paper this weekend =(

2008-11-23T02:22:00.000+08:00

i'm an eyes/poseur shades person. just a glimpse of cheeky shades that i know are hiding cheeky eyes can tickle the f-ing freeze away. need to stop thinking in vulgarities cos they slip out! and shock people! penetrating gazes and thinking eyes are such a turn-on. need to get away from grad school.

2008-11-21T09:15:00.003+08:00

shups you look like you need the world to save you cos someone's given you a black eye!!!!

temperature has dropped to sub-zero levels, but work's heating up so quickly so suddenly where has time gone!

was kinda down cos of my artsy friends and how they got me thinking about alternative lives, but the cold's frozen me into action now that there's only 3 weeks of the semester left and then it's italy! but first, D.C. here i come =) hopefully can get a glimpse of obama??? i'm a big fan of his "yes we can" video - guys check it out if you haven't already. inspirational!

i was thinking a few days ago that i'm going to be very sad to leave the people who have come to mean so much to me over the past 2 months. almost makes you wanna block them out now so it won't hurt so much next may. but it's humanly impossible to withdraw when there's so much vital energy emitting human warmth now =)

for laughs

2008-11-15T00:58:00.001+08:00

the powerpuff girls you wld not trust to save the world.

"no one so proper, so capable as Anne!"

2008-11-11T22:48:00.002+08:00

2008-11-11T12:18:00.001+08:00

we are the ones we've been waiting for

2008-11-08T21:03:00.003+08:00

it seems like there're two groups of people in my program, and i'm somehow straddling both

so much love last night - the easy rapturous intimacy is blowing my mind. why do these people treat me as one of them when i clearly lack their silver tongues for rambling intellectual musings?

i suddenly feel v open towards everyone, and more uninhibited than usual. hope it's not cos i'm consuming alcohol weekly now, cos isn't it sad that i let loose only when i drink? hope it's cos i really feel more comfortable with these 2 groups now, and TRUST them, even the cheeky ones =)

2008-11-01T20:10:00.002+08:00

friends, how are you doing? any halloween shenanigans to report?

remind me NOT to
drink the night before a paper's due
appear too interested in what someone's saying
procrastinate
talk when drinking, in fact, talk at all

2008-10-30T05:05:00.002+08:00

there's a bunch of liberal intellectual types who've been sucking me into the vortex of their verbalizing/socializing activity lately. i'm not sure why, and i don't know if that's what i wanna become (cos i'm sure as hell not like them right now, even though i 'respond' well to their prodding). i credit my artsier classes for opening up this universe.

then there're those who pull me back down to earth every now and then. esp hx, who exerts a gravitational self-belief that i don't know how to deal w positively still. she and the people in my more "concrete" govt classes serve as a nice foil to the chain-smoking liquor-quaffing loquacious "where do you think you're going" confusing ones who i dream about after connecting with them cos their words slide into my consciousness so.

2008-10-29T15:18:00.003+08:00

psychoanalyzed by psychologist friend
me: girls like to touch me (unfortunate remark, easily miscontrued)
she: cos you're cute (sees my horrified face) i mean, you're earnest, you're genuine. you know, some people are reserved and when you talk to them they're still distant, and i don't like that, whereas others are endearing and people feel protective towards them

also, i should go into academia cos of the response papers i write every tues (that suck my soul from sun night to tue afternoon)? my eyes protest.

how do people talk so much and so quickly? i'm getting quite an education in bullshitting while sounding intellectual here

2008-10-27T08:19:00.002+08:00

Happy times with people i'm closest to in my program over the past few weeks

happy times from before school started

2008-10-27T07:58:00.004+08:00

man i wish i could just hike all the time
mount kilimanjaro next year, anyone?

these days i don't think or feel in the same way as I did at Berkeley
it's just a lot of doing
wish i could slow down - two months have gone by! and the grind of work (school and club) + social obligations is making time whiz by
good or bad? i like how not unhappy i am now, how free i feel facing the world, how all i need to worry about is self-actualization rather than basic human securities
but being less burdened also means thinking less about family and the past and forgetting all that has brought me where i am today

aiyah these 9 months are just intense lah. i love my work even though it's hyperstressful, i enjoy people's company, some more than others', i'm developing a taste for loads of wine with food to make talking easier and happier, i run 5.5-6 miles almost everyday and can feel vital strength pump through me on good days, i've stopped pitying myself - but still need to give more to others. i realized i reveal painfully little about myself, unconsciously really. because there's loads or nothing to hide?

dim sum with people from my program

2008-10-19T03:25:00.000+08:00

2008-10-16T03:17:00.004+08:00

The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers:
Little we see in nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
This sea that bares her bosom to the moon;
The winds that will be howling at all hours
And all are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers;
For this, for everything, we are out of tune;
It moves us not....

2008-10-06T10:09:00.000+08:00

By Raymond Carver

Late Fragment

And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.

a peek into a soul

2008-10-06T10:05:00.001+08:00

Confession:
“Keep still, Rakitka, you don’t understand anything about us! And don’t you dare speak familiarly with me again, I forbid it… And now, Alyosha, I will tell the whole, pure truth to you alone, so that you can see what a creature I am! I tell it to you, not to Rakitka. I wanted to ruin you, I was quite determined, that is the great truth: I wanted it so much that I bribed Rakitka with money to bring you. And why did I want it so much? You knew nothing, alyosha, you used to turn away form me, you’d walk by me with your eyes on the ground, but I looked at you a hundred times before, I began asking everyone about you. Your face stayed in my heart: ‘He despises me,’ I though, ‘he doesn’t even want to look at me.’ And finally such a feeling took hold of me that I was surprised at myself: why should I be afraid of a boy like him? I’ll eat him up and laugh. I was so angry! Believe me, no one here dares to say or think they can come to Agrafena Alexandrovna for that bad thing; I have only the old man here, I’m bought and sold to him, Satan married us, but there’s no one else. Yet looking at you, I was determined: I’ll eat him up. Eat him up and laugh. See what a wicked bitch I am, and you called me your sister! Now the man who wronged me has come, I’m sitting here waiting for his message. Do you know what this man has been to me? It’s five years since Kuzma brought me here – I used to sit hiding from people, so that people wouldn’t see or hear me, a silly slip of a girl, sitting and crying, not sleeping all night, thinking: ‘Where is he now, the man who wronged me? He must be laughing at me with some other woman, and what won’t I do to him, if only I ever see him, if only I meet him: I’ll make him pay! How I’ll make him pay!’ At night, in the dark, I sobbed into the pillow and kept thinking it all over, I tore my heart on purpose, to ease it with spite: ‘How I’ll make him pay, oh, how I will!’ I would sometimes even scream in the darkness. Then I would suddenly remember that I was not going to do anything to him, but that he was laughing at me now, or maybe had quite forgotten me, just didn’t remember, and then I would throw myself from my bed onto the floor, flooding myself with helpless tears, and shake and shake till dawn. In the morning I would get up worse than a dog, ready to tear the whole world apart. And then you know what: I began saving money, became merciless, grew fat – and do you think I got any smarter? Not a bit. No one sees it, no one in the whole universe knows it, but when the dark of night falls, I sometimes lie just as I used to, as a young girl, five years ago, gnashing my teeth and crying all night, thinking: ‘I’ll show him, oh, yes, I’ll show him!’ Do you hear what I’m saying? Now try to understand me: a month ago I suddenly received this letter: he’s coming, his wife died, he wants to see me. it took my breath away. Lord, I suddenly thought: what if he comes and whistles for me, calls me, and I just crawl to him like a little dog, guilty and beaten! I thought of it and couldn’t believe myself: ‘Am I so base? Will I just run to him?’ And I’ve been so angry with myself all this month that it’s even worse than five years ago. Now you see how violent, how wild I am, Alyosha, I’ve spoken out the whole truth to you! I’ve been toying with Mitya so as not to run to the other one. Keep still, Rakitin, it’s not for you to judge me, I’m not telling it to you. Before you came I was lying here waiting, thinking, deciding my whole fate, and you will never know what was in my heart. No, Alyosha, tell your young lady not to be angry for two days ago…! No one in the whole world knows how I feel now, or can know… Because maybe I’ll take a knife with me today, I haven’t decided yet…”

“Misha,” he said, “don’t be angry. You’re offended with her, but don’t be angry. Did you hear her just now? One cannot ask so much of a human soul, one should be more merciful…”

one more story

2008-01-19T01:16:00.000+08:00

The Story of the Fisherman and the Investment Banker

The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, "only a little while."
The American then asked, "Why don't you stay out longer and catch more fish?"

The Mexican replied, "I have enough fish to support my family's immediate needs."

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, and stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA, and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "fifteen to twenty years."

"But what then?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions."

"Millions . . . then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire, move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.

so this is the new year

2008-01-01T08:26:00.000+08:00

[santa monica at sunset, 2007]

this is hilarious!

2007-12-29T00:43:00.000+08:00

from urbanlegends- Craigslist Gold Digger Meets Her Match

THIS APPEARED ON CRAIG'S LIST

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City , so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 100 - 150. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 150,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

THE ANSWER

Dear Pers-:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard tobelieve that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

____________
Rob Campbell
J.P.Morgan
Diversified Industrials Investment Banking
277 Park Avenue, 16/F, New York , NY 10172

yesteryear's fighter

2007-12-14T01:08:00.000+08:00

what do you guys think of
married, jc teachers getting touchy in clubs?
granted, he is young, but i think that's still sick!

how do you fight, when you don't know what exactly you're fighting for, and how to fight the good fight?
/don't ask. i will tell you if i succeed.

xoxo

2007-10-09T14:24:00.000+08:00

Shot at a bbq - always wanted to see myself play softball!

Sunsets at forgotten-named Bay in Seattle

Seattle - spot the space needle shown in Grey's Anatomy?
Space needle - if you missed it

Cute pig - Seattle's downtown's flooded with those pig art things, no idea why, but pigs rock my world

That weekend seemed so last year =(

"You are without entheos. You know what that means in Greek? No? You are without the feeling of possession by the divine. There is no fire burning in you."
- Chaim Potok, Book of Lights

Strange ride it's been, but the feeling's coming back now, it must be. How else to call that quickness of step/mind/heart/spirit that's more certain in its beat, less blind in its direction?

"I am a threat to you, my friend, am I not. You would like our world to be smooth and rational, would you now. You do not care to know of the rabbis, the great ones who were filled with poetry and contradictions. There is deep, deep within us the irrational as well. It is our motor energy, our creative demon. You think we know the world only on the basis of what we observe or can deduce logically? No, my good friend...The irrational completes us."
- Same as above.

What if the irrational dominates instead of just fills the holes? Too caught up in pragmatic reality still, but there've been moments when nothing makes sense, when thought feeling action don't converge and I walk the deliberately chosen unwanted path, and then lack entheos. And times when I do merely on wild impulse, and it turns out so right.

Above all, what now?
Us.

2007-05-12T11:30:00.000+08:00

5 days to the end, when do you start work shup? i'm extremely still up for vietnam, will research flights once i know your schedule and my exams end.

sad and glad that the semester's ending, very tired, but gratified. don't really have the words to say all that the past 9 months have meant, will just thank quietly some people

8 more days ahhhh

2007-05-12T11:29:00.001+08:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

hm

2007-04-30T14:40:00.000+08:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

2007-04-30T13:56:00.000+08:00

hello hello im finally done with my last paper and this semester.
no joy since i didnt manage to end this sem as painlessly as i hoped.
oh but whatever will come will come, and next sem will be a better one.

off to trade one poison for another!!

good luck for your finals chimpy! are you still up for vietnam?
happy mugging jojo.
dont watch so much tv fuzzy lol.

2007-04-05T12:31:00.000+08:00

biggest omelette of my life, biggest breakfast probably too. i was intimidated by audry into finishing 4 extra large eggs with feta cheese and spinach, 3 buttermilk pancakes with butter and maple syrup, coffee and cream. arghhh heart burn.

then it was dinner that same day at grand lux cafe with clar's northwestern friend with obscene amounts of food again

and dessert (note the sailor top thing again shup)

all in one day. arghhhhhhh multiply by 6 and you get a severely clogged but fully satisfied heart.

2007-04-02T10:58:00.000+08:00

big big big city, but no sense of being lost, thanks to midwestern homey warmth and self-snarky newspaper visionglasses that made me feel like superman in metropolis. the old friends who just are, exploring, improv shows, swingy blues, shopping, and tonnes of great food probably helped too. thank you world, and various unknown people out there, for:

Chicago by Carl Sandburg

Hog Butcher for the World,
Tool Maker, Stacker of Wheat,
Player with Railroads and the Nation's Freight Handler;
Stormy, husky, brawling,
City of the Big Shoulders:
They tell me you are wicked and I believe them, for I have seen your painted women under the gas lamps luring the farm boys.
And they tell me you are crooked and I answer: Yes, it is true I have seen the gunman kill and go free to kill again.
And they tell me you are brutal and my reply is: On the faces of women and children I have seen the marks of wanton hunger.
And having answered so I turn once more to those who sneer at this my city, and I give them back the sneer and say to them:
Come and show me another city with lifted head singing so proud to be alive and coarse and strong and cunning.
Flinging magnetic curses amid the toil of piling job on job, here is a tall bold slugger set vivid against the little soft cities;
Fierce as a dog with tongue lapping for action, cunning as a savage pitted against the wilderness,
Bareheaded,
Shoveling,
Wrecking,
Planning,
Building, breaking, rebuilding,
Under the smoke, dust all over his mouth, laughing with white teeth,
Under the terrible burden of destiny laughing as a young man laughs,
Laughing even as an ignorant fighter laughs who has never lost a battle,
Bragging and laughing that under his wrist is the pulse, and under his ribs the heart of the people, Laughing!
Laughing the stormy, husky, brawling laughter of Youth, half-naked, sweating, proud to be Hog Butcher, Tool Maker, Stacker of Wheat, Player with Railroads and Freight Handler to the Nation.

yukio mishima + other contemporary japanese writers/philosophers/activists of his are searing me through and through. a class shouldn't affect me so.

someday i'll be swallowed up by numbers

2007-03-21T11:19:00.000+08:00

and you will not see me anymore. rarrrrrrr. makes life worse when there is a hugeass pile of readings to go with the numbers. pfffffffffft.

anyway, on brighter things. i love the flurry of posts after my MIA accusation haha. is jo somewhere in amsterdam now? i vaguely remember amsterdam in her spring break plans.

fuzzy, what's happening with your arm? i thought it recovered? i still wish i managed to see snow in SD, and i miss bundling up cos of the cold and the warm hugs. rather than the humidity here. and im still trying to figure out if it rains everyday here, or every 2 days as i remember from the past. it seems to be raining every single day and i haaaaaaaaaate rain.

list 0f places for you to visit chim. you're going at a damn good time, so NO SHOPPING MALLS PLEASE.
1. surfing!!!!!!!!! go to mission beach, ocean beach or pacific beach and flirt your way to a surfboard or instructor. have brunch at the little shops on the boardwalk and look out at the pacific ocean and think about swimming to japan. with a stopover in hawaii. oh yeah drive down via PCH so that you can see all the OC beaches!
2. go to the anza borrego desert? hike up cowles mountain? haha. i dont know! you have the beaches and mountains and deserts in SD so just pick and choose. umm i dunno if df will want to do those with you though! hah.
3. go partyinng. end of finals, so just drive near sdsu area and crash any party. they'll be so dead drunk they wont care.
4. if you have to go shopping, go to the outlets.
5. aiya just enjoy the endless hours of sunshine and NO RAIN and warmth and beautiful blond people.
6. seaworld and the zoo which i didnt go to. and the lovely balboa park.
7. go downtown and little italy and eat yummy food.

you've seen my pics yeah? gives you an idea of the places. i wanna go back so bad! zomgggg.

onward to finals :(

2007-03-21T08:32:00.000+08:00

for you fuzzy, who can't really float around free outside now, but can inside still. to evolution and the death of absolutes and change for you, shup. to jo my dear probably sunning somewhere. oh no.. are you alone at your place fuzzy? don't trust the nhs!!

Stripped
you're beginning to float free
up through the smoke of bushfires
and incinerators
the unleafed branches won't hold you
nor the radar aerials

You're what the autumn knew would happen
after the last collapse
of primary colour
once the last absolutes were torn to pieces
you could begin

How you broke open, what sheathed you
until this moment
I know nothing about it
my ignorance of you amazes me
now that I watch you
starting to give yourself
away to the wind

(Adrienne Rich)

2007-03-21T06:29:00.000+08:00

heya, no i'm not roaming... the only place exotic i'm going to is the district hospital these days (it has a different postal code you guys) .. have two appointments lined up this week.. getting physio, getting re-x-rayed.. stuff like that.
it snowed today. we're back into negatives, and i'm getting ill from the drastic change. the weather these days really disgusts me, i cannot describe the feeling of being utterly demoralised by a seemingly trivial thing.
hmmph.
onward to better days!
i sound like a bad hallmark card gone communist.
or a bad school logo. same thing.
><

2007-03-21T01:08:00.000+08:00

hey sorry shup yes MIA, inching towards spring break, recovering from midterm season = doing nothing that strains my brain at all.
i'm going to san diego after finals! staying 2 nights with ex-roomie at her house =) which is what you did last sem.. hopefully she'll take me to nice sunny beaches instead of the shopping malls she took you to hehe
on a totally different note, must bitch about people who won't stop trying to interfere in my life..damnit focus on yourself please you've no authority to tell me how to live/think/feel it's hard enough trying to figure out the way ahead without all the noise interference creates. ok. bitching out of the system.
now it's all about meeting clarissa and jun wan (413 people) in glorious glorious freezing chicago.
midterm break over shup?
fuzzy i hope you're resting well, i don't see you online anymore! does this mean you're roaming around??

2007-03-19T02:01:00.000+08:00

lets travel!!! after all our internships, at the end of july maybe? i'm so damn sian from all the projects and attempts to study! vietnam's calling out to me, even if only cos cambodia and myanmar sound more dangerous. beef pho...... and i dont know what else there is actually.

but its the middle of the night and beef pho sounds good enough for a very hungry me. im waiting to say goodbye to my bro who's going to taiwan for some army thing, the lucky thing. what would i give to go to taiwan and not take finals? at the moment, quite a lot.

in other matters, im going to intern at de.loitte this summer, after all that whining bout internship apps. not what i wanted, but its still pretty good and i suppose i shld be grateful. so yeahhhh.

hm. the shilin market in taiwan has yummy food i heard. or back to hongkong for dimsummmmmmm. mmmm. i just want good food. POKE. wake up, my cheeky travel buddies!

2007-03-18T23:21:00.000+08:00

[poland, 2007]

end of term now, stay happy everyone.

2007-03-05T13:03:00.000+08:00

As I read about the details that make up an understanding of China, I’m somehow reminded of sitting once every year in my room, sifting through the piles of scraps that I tossed into boxes or drawers for keepsake. Moments in the past would then come alive, and I’d bask in old happinesses, or squirm again at old follies. As I grew older, and wished to shake off the yoke of emotions and words and images that threatened to cobweb the present, the yearly ritual became more of a spring-cleaning, to throw away what I didn’t need to live in the onrushing days, to clear a messy-enough life of unnecessary clutter. Now, I miss the homely mustiness of faded paper and ink.

But the new is calling, I cannot go back anymore, this is getting clearer all the time. i still stash away ticket stubs and notes from others out of habit, but there's less need to live in the past now, with a sense of a present that i can live in being created now. i'm avoiding the h-word, cos i don't want to jinx the crazily savory nourishy days now - i'm unused to such richness after so many months of barrenness. i wish:

shup, that you'll be at peace soon, and that we could have your time here all over again, except this time i'll be a better friend who was just a phonecall away but now can't hear your voice anytime soon (ok the months will fly by, and then we can retro tog if you like)

jo, that we started writing to each other earlier, but i'm thankful we're writing this sem =) glad you liked your gift, sorry it's late!

fuzzy, that your wrist heals ASAP ie STAY AWAY FROM ICE, TREES, BOARDS TO SLIDE ON, so that we can have more adventures to wonder about our existence (how can 2 bumbly people be in harmony with the big bad world out there with all those inconvenient trees/cobblestoned streets + roller luggage)

2007-03-04T01:58:00.000+08:00

hello hello, i hardly check this blog anymore so i was surprised to chance upon your post. i miss you sooooooo much chimpy, and of cos jojo and fuzzy too. jo- i remember what you said bout us hanging out together more this summer! and your boy was in the papers a couple of days ago :) fuzzy- i miss how we used to msn so often when i was in usa! take care of your injuries..

life is pretty sucky now, im sure ive mentioned it to you guys sometime or another this year. just trying to get on with things and finish this semester off as painlessly as possible. no point ranting here, so i'll just leave you with a picture from my friend's retro party. none of us are looking too retro yeah.

oh come back soon. summer sounds so appealing, with you guys back and me having to worry only about my internship.

2007-03-01T11:30:00.000+08:00

self(=other)-hood

words are sharpening my sense of self, and at the same time letting me discover solidarities with others. my jap hist prof should be proud of me. but words aside, it's not easy, this self-finding business. learning limitations of ability, of heart, of spirit = collapse of whatever stupid illusions i had of myself before.

but this honesty makes it easier to live well day-by-day, instead of always planning for the next holiday, the next weekend, the next meal even.

ok, enough vague crap. this is just a brief update, so the blog won't be truly dead =( and i promised my schedule, kind of
singapore m'sian club = big mistake on my part
daily cal (sch newspaper) = experiment in what i think could have been my other life, results not out yet fuzzy, but we'll have another reckoning this summer, yes?
oases = current wonder at how i'll ever be a good teacher with the little devil in my com service grp. i hate him! yes! i hate a kid! and i wish i could be as childish as he is to me, but i continue to try and win his black little heart grrr
urap = like another class, this research program, but superinteresting. academia here i come?? i'm most likely going to try for east asian studies/chinese hist for master's, crazy thought right, considering my history with chinese lang.
classes = arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

back to midterm studying and caffeinated dreaming

2007-01-25T15:28:00.000+08:00

Sheesh deleted stupid photo by mistake, it was evidence of Fuzzy grinning evilly while i was suffering. will try another time. but for your entertainment, the guys and i at heldenplatz, vienna, horsing around. we were trying to imitate the amazing twin horse statues in the plaza i think, but turned out like crazy ghosts:

can't put the trip into words yet. 3.5 weeks on the move! in a world that i never knew could exist in this age. the more i travel the more i know i don't know. that doesn't make sense.

but doesn't matter, i'm happy, learning to accept that which i can't change yet, but still wishing for the courage to change what i can, and the wisdom to tell the two apart =( essentially a happy lazydazy start to the semester, except that my ex-roomie's pressuring me like crazy to pledge for her honors society (pseudo-frat), and i didn't factor it into my plans for this sem at all. i've applied for other stuff, no idea how they'll turn out, but interviews for the frat are this fri! how how how? i hate disappointing people =( but i resolved not to do anything this sem that i've no passion for, cos i'm tired of searching aimlessly in the name of trying new things =( and also to do whatever i do WELL. i'll show you guys my final schedule when everything's confirmed, no more messy life. arghhh am i/are we becoming bridget jonesy??? shit we're turning 21. sounds unreal, yet don't feel that we're schoolgirls anymore ( as discussed with fuzzy?).

i swear i'll reply to your email soon shu ping, and jo, have you got my note?? little chim's going to london this or next weekend i think, you can bully him then.

(thank you all for helping me get over that very bad last semester, still feel slightly insecure, but much better, don't think i could have survived without you guys. europe kind of knocked some sense back too, all that rushing around and screwups made it hard for self-pity. so shups, getting out of a claustrophobic world may be helpful to ease hurting sometimes, even though or maybe because it involves calling on more inner strength..)

i cooked! and didn't kill my housemates two days on. i'm certified to cook for you'll now =) oh yeah and jo i got my driving license already! sorry i can't learn with you in singapore, but there's still fuzzy and shups.

2007-01-08T03:47:00.000+08:00

my new hp number is +447738714736, this is largely for the benefit of chim whom i hope to see soon this week! dont bother using my other number.

well my trip to switzerland and germany was great. but my bag got stolen on the train (just clothes, but still..), i fell very sick for a day and i choked on a fish bone while i was there. wat fun rite??? hahaha.. anyways luzern is such a pretty place fuzzy! i must agree. but the jet d'eau wasnt on when we went to geneva. munich is a nice place to visit too! lots to see.

take care y'all... and happy new year :)

2006-12-26T05:22:00.000+08:00

merry xmas my cheeky eurotripping girls! <3

2006-12-08T02:18:00.000+08:00

jo: i'll be in london 12 jan very sorry about the everchanging plans! taking the eurolines coach from paris, arriving at 6am i think.. will you be having an exam that day? i'm thinking of getting to oxford by late afternoon that day.. ehh follow fuzzy to prague!

2006-12-07T02:05:00.000+08:00

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the center cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in the sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

- W. B. Yeats

shups, think you'll like the essays in "Slouching Towards Bethlehem" by Joan Didion. I'll pass it to you next yr or you can try getting it from a library, about the golden state of California in the 1960s, you've probably visited many of the places mentioned in the book.

i'm glad we went to death valley/LA, got several things off my heart, came crashing down the week after, and now, there's a throbbing urge to make something out of the current emptiness, and settle the dust of restlessunthinkingunreflecting searching. somewhat related to what i confessed to you shup, but broader than that i guess, seems like i just needed to tell that something which has been too stupidly oppresive to you and now the feeling's gone/dead. i can't figure out why myself, it's probably part of the shifting nature of everything that's draining energy but not adding fulfilment now.

don't think being restless is a bad thing, but too much probably = hollowness.

on a more frivolous note, i vow not to buy anything in europe that isn't necessary for my physical survival, ie shopping has been sucking up too much $$$, and it's another way of chasing a life that leads nowhere but a sinking hole.

disneyland

2006-12-03T11:20:00.000+08:00

I went to The Happiest Place on Earth yesterday.

And met Meanie Genie whom we had to chase and literally beg for a picture.

Being a Meanie, he granted no wishes obviously. He did, however, whisper pearls of wisdom ( inGENIEty if you prefer) into my ear when he thought none of the kids around were listening- the secret to longevity is to guard your heart selfishly. and that was meant specially for me, and no one else.

2006-12-03T11:00:00.000+08:00

oh chim oh chim.
i could tell.
and i guessed it was coming.

2006-11-29T04:19:00.000+08:00

your fave pic, chimpy! nudge me when u're online and i'll send you the whole album. im eagerly waiting for your letter :)

i miss the sand dunes, though it is nice coming back and listening to my friends' thanksgiving adventures. san diego is freezing cold! im living each day hungrily- time is not on my side, neither are the upcoming exams which im not too bothered about but everyone else is so it means less playmates, and impending misery in more ways than one which might be assuaged by simply letting go now.

Death Valley/LA

2006-11-28T13:07:00.000+08:00

Happy times in Death Valley. Vast glittering skies amidst greyish blue sand dunes and neverending savannah lands during our >12hr driving adventure through the night there with a sleepy navigator and a mexican tribe thrown in. We were supposed to be spooked out by our hotel, but it was hard to appreciate its selling point of run-downness after a long ride and too little sleep. The desert made us come alive - the 49ers would kill us for saying that i guess, but that day was just perfect, for me at least.
After the second night, back to civilization. UCLA and me attempting the Bruin Walk. i swear every stupid thing i've done has been instigated by shups (or jo when she's around).

can you tell who we're trying to look like - shu ping's pretty good i think

Somehow the LA experience feels very sleepy to me. Maybe it's the afterglow of the glorious beaches - that's us at santa monicaOr i'm just not that much of a city tourist. We want to live in the city but go to the great outdoors for vacations i think. or maybe we just want to be 21 and able to enter more places legally heh.

it was a good thanksgiving, so good it lulled me into sending you a 3 page letter shups that you should get soon and WILL BURN ONCE YOU READ IT. you'll see why when you get it, i can't believe i'm sending it anyway.

ok, two more weeks of sch, then exams, then europe with the fuzzy. don't worry too much about your apartment! such things always turn out fine for you. who's the girl in your swiss photos?

postcard #1

2006-11-23T04:16:00.000+08:00

okok so i have removed the apparently scary photo haha.but honestly, the car in it was so cool! it was a black VW. and yes jo, he's my cousin. anyway i'm glad to know everyone is jumpyjumpy-happyhappy. right now i'm in the same state, although it is mostly caffeine induced. after all this time a lot of things are still up in the air for me here. for instance, i have been waiting and badgering for them to put in a rail in my cupboard so that i can properly unpack. yes. i am missing a rail in my cupboard, and this fact has stopped being funny to me since about 2 months ago. the biggest irony is that my winter break is more or less completely planned already. all this without owning a credit card myself (another gripe i will save for later) thank you to friends i am travelling with with credit cards! anyway, i am taking the sign of the mysterious missing rail (3 months and counting! and a million trips to the concierge)as a sign that i should start looking for greener pastures, so i am now hunting for a new appartment. wish me luck, please hope and pray for your friend, that she will find a nice place to live, preferably equidistant to town and the lake, with a belle view of the city and mountains.nicely priced, and willing to take in students who will not be renting till the end of the school yr. ok, i am pushing my luck. i am asking too much. my classmate laughed at me at the supermarket when we bumped into each other because i) i live in a dangerous neighbourhood (??!!i never knew) ii) it took her 5 months to find herself the appartment she is about to move into. by that time i should be homeless in some other place.thank you, chrys.
wow so verbose. blame the caffeine, and the fact that i know too well that all my well-intentioned ..intentions to write individual postcards bearing picture perfect views of this gorgeous place to each of you will never come to materialise.
have a gd week/week-end all of you. i shall be here, waiting patiently for my cupboard rail.

2006-11-21T01:22:00.000+08:00

jo,
can i stay with you for the night of jan 11, thu? will you be having exams? jan 12 i'll head to oxford, then return to london jan 13 to fly back to berkeley. if you're busy i'll go straight to oxford and bother my brother hehe
also, i'm staying at some central hostel dec 20 and 21 nights, will you still be in london at that time?
jumpyjumpy about europe!

2006-11-16T02:30:00.000+08:00

jo, dec is not very gd for me if ur planning on coming over. pls tell me details and don't be like jh who didn't even tell me she was coming last yr
ok bye!

ps. is it just me, or is there somethign wrong with msn?

2006-11-10T21:34:00.000+08:00

closest thing i had to a brother growing up?

2006-11-03T04:15:00.000+08:00

lol. i feel obliged to unveil my bros to the world now- hes who would much rather fight for first bloods and triple kills and other dota rubbish than chat with me online!
p.s. note the toes!

he ain't heavy, he's my brother

2006-11-02T19:13:00.000+08:00

speaking of brothers, guess what... my big bro should be coming to UK to study. in the uni of sussex (down in brighton look at the nice photo of nice houses) next year... yeap he's doing a 2nd undergrad degree which leads to masters.. or at least that's his plan if all goes well. truth be told its quite a burden to me and my parents.. but yeah, i can at least do my part by taking care of him and going down south once in a while. sigh... family. cant live with them, cant do without them.